Do you argue all day? You wish your complaints were heard – but they fall on deaf ears and nothing changes?
It sucks, when you really want to help, you really want for things to get better. Yet the other party is not listening.
Or you really want to say how you feel. Something is upsetting you. Yet they get defensive and it’s like talking to a brick wall.
One bit of bad news: it is in our genes – people get defensive and stop listening when they are told something bad.
One bit of good news: we can bypass it by avoiding triggering our natural ‘shutdown’ mechanisms.
And that is what I statements accomplish – by framing the problem from a position of I, myself, they do not press that button of ‘you’ that sends the other party into war mode.
For instance, instead of saying: you didn’t wash the dishes (they get defensive, someone is attacking me!), we can say:
I feel taken for granted and not appreciated when the dishes are not washed. (see what we did there? We put the focus on ourselves – so they feel a bit less attacked (silly I know, but it works!!!))
A more advanced way is: I feel taken for granted and not appreciated when the dishes are not washed. I would appreciate it if they were done by the time I come back home, so I can make dinner without having to do extra work (here we are both suggesting a solution (what to do instead) + explaining the why (it just increases my chances of it getting done. Influence? Screw that, manipulation!!! muahahahaha 😈)
Jokes aside – they can really make a difference between you and your loved ones, or even at work (or in any relationship really), for both parties to understand each other, be able to communicate any disagreements/conflict we may have, and be able to resolve it with much higher chances of success. Which, in turn, will lead to more peaceful and rewarding relationships 😇
I have had to walk the hard walk myself, for many years. Lots of arguing and getting upset and ultimately damaging relationships. So that is why I want that you can have a smoother journey and for your relationships to thrive.
In conclusion, next time you want to ‘tell someone off’, rather than telling them that ‘you did x’, how about trying saying ‘I feel y when x happens’?
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